Portrait

Me and My Opinion

Real girls in their own place.
Not too crazy and just a pinch of naughty...

Shitty Penis

I know this sounds shitty but, I’ve dated a lot of useless humans.

I had a boyfriend once, who technically wasn’t my boyfriend because he still introduced me as his friend to anyone and everyone, even though we’d been together for about eight months. Wasn’t I such a good FRIEND for letting him crash at my place for two months? 

He was a real treat. A real pal. Such a buddy!

Let me preface this by saying that when I was dating this particular loser, I was just coming out of a very toxic relationship, so I was still a bit fucked up in the brain; I made poor, poor choices. 

I’m going to bypass all the boring reasons of why he sucked (never actually took me on a date, told me I was pathetic…OK so he was a self-proclaimed recovering heroin addict who got beyond drunk every night, etc normal shithead biznass) and give you the good reasoning behind my irritation with this capital B, Bro. 

I know that everyone has their ‘things’ or their ‘kinks, quirks, whatevers.’ I accept that and think it’s great when people are tapped into their own needs and desires. I am a sexual being and am perfectly okay with trying new things as long as they are presented to me in a respectful and open, communicative manner. However, if your partner is not keen on them, do not force them onto them! Be it in a joking matter or otherwise, humor is not an excuse to be a jerk!

I was not laughing the first time I took a shower with my darling ‘FRIEND’ and turned around only to find he was cackling hysterically with his shitty penis peeing on my leg. 

That’s right.

Peeing. On me. 

Without my consent or amusement. 

Now, you’d think I’d cut that shit out right then and there and be like, “Hey BUDDY, you’re great but don’t ever do that to me again or this little weird arrangement we have is donezo.” 

No, I just proceeded to smack his chest in that way that idiot girls (And guys? I guess? I’m sure that’s happened?) do and yowled ‘stop itttt!’ 

He kept laughing and I pushed him out of the shower. 

Let me repeat, I was not doing well in the brain department.

Although I was really disgusted, I still decided to give him another chance and let it go. You could also read that as I was lonely and pretty much let anyone love me who said they would. Totally your call.

Fast forward a few months later in the relationship and my BFF but not BF is now living at my apartment because he got evicted and needed somewhere to stay while he was ‘apartment shopping.’ 

I’m really good at picking em, you guys!!!

He didn’t really have too much stuff moved into my place because we (me) were hoping that he’d find his own place soon and not have to move everything around all over again. 

We’d had a really nice night. I’d made dinner, we hadn’t fought that day and we had my apartment to ourselves. I had to work early the next morning,so I decided to call it a night. I hopped into the shower, not a care or thought in my crazy brain. I had the delicious hot water running down my face, soap falling down my chest. Feeling real good. As I washed my hair, I felt someone step into the shower with me. “Aw how sweet. He wants to shower with me and appreciate my adorable self. Whatta babe.” 

I heard him laughing and everything froze. It was like a horror movie. The kind where the girl closes the medicine cabinet and BAM! there’s some horrific thing behind her. 

I turned around slowly and there, there it was. His nasty dick. Urinating on my lovely, once clean bottom. Everything that had been going on in this relationship up until this point all came boiling up into my brain, like an angry movie montage. I saw red; I was livid. I was done. He was so done. I would not half-heartedly kitty-scratch him or throw a tantrum or just shrug it off this time. 

I dumped him. Right there in the shower. I told him to get his fucking stuff and get his shitty penis out of my house. I was going to finish my shower, he could go pee on someone else. 

xo,

Taryn