Real girls in their own place.
Not too crazy and just a pinch of naughty...
I know this sounds shitty but, I’ve dated a lot of useless humans.
I had a boyfriend once, who technically wasn’t my boyfriend because he still introduced me as his friend to anyone and everyone, even though we’d been together for about eight months. Wasn’t I such a good FRIEND for letting him crash at my place for two months?
He was a real treat. A real pal. Such a buddy!
Let me preface this by saying that when I was dating this particular loser, I was just coming out of a very toxic relationship, so I was still a bit fucked up in the brain; I made poor, poor choices.
I’m going to bypass all the boring reasons of why he sucked (never actually took me on a date, told me I was pathetic…OK so he was a self-proclaimed recovering heroin addict who got beyond drunk every night, etc normal shithead biznass) and give you the good reasoning behind my irritation with this capital B, Bro.
I know that everyone has their ‘things’ or their ‘kinks, quirks, whatevers.’ I accept that and think it’s great when people are tapped into their own needs and desires. I am a sexual being and am perfectly okay with trying new things as long as they are presented to me in a respectful and open, communicative manner. However, if your partner is not keen on them, do not force them onto them! Be it in a joking matter or otherwise, humor is not an excuse to be a jerk!
I was not laughing the first time I took a shower with my darling ‘FRIEND’ and turned around only to find he was cackling hysterically with his shitty penis peeing on my leg.
Peeing. On me.
Without my consent or amusement.
Now, you’d think I’d cut that shit out right then and there and be like, “Hey BUDDY, you’re great but don’t ever do that to me again or this little weird arrangement we have is donezo.”
No, I just proceeded to smack his chest in that way that idiot girls (And guys? I guess? I’m sure that’s happened?) do and yowled ‘stop itttt!’
He kept laughing and I pushed him out of the shower.
Let me repeat, I was not doing well in the brain department.
Although I was really disgusted, I still decided to give him another chance and let it go. You could also read that as I was lonely and pretty much let anyone love me who said they would. Totally your call.
Fast forward a few months later in the relationship and my BFF but not BF is now living at my apartment because he got evicted and needed somewhere to stay while he was ‘apartment shopping.’
I’m really good at picking em, you guys!!!
He didn’t really have too much stuff moved into my place because we (me) were hoping that he’d find his own place soon and not have to move everything around all over again.
We’d had a really nice night. I’d made dinner, we hadn’t fought that day and we had my apartment to ourselves. I had to work early the next morning,so I decided to call it a night. I hopped into the shower, not a care or thought in my crazy brain. I had the delicious hot water running down my face, soap falling down my chest. Feeling real good. As I washed my hair, I felt someone step into the shower with me. “Aw how sweet. He wants to shower with me and appreciate my adorable self. Whatta babe.”
I heard him laughing and everything froze. It was like a horror movie. The kind where the girl closes the medicine cabinet and BAM! there’s some horrific thing behind her.
I turned around slowly and there, there it was. His nasty dick. Urinating on my lovely, once clean bottom. Everything that had been going on in this relationship up until this point all came boiling up into my brain, like an angry movie montage. I saw red; I was livid. I was done. He was so done. I would not half-heartedly kitty-scratch him or throw a tantrum or just shrug it off this time.
I dumped him. Right there in the shower. I told him to get his fucking stuff and get his shitty penis out of my house. I was going to finish my shower, he could go pee on someone else.
I’ve been single for almost five months now. This is probably the longest I’ve been single in five years. Ever since I moved to California, in some way, I have been in some kind of (fucked up) relationship.
I just have to say though, being single is the BEST.
For the past five years, I’ve pretty much been setting up my day like this: ‘okay wake up, i should make breakfast for us, ugh no don’t kiss me in the morning you know i hate that, kay gotta go to work bye, oh man i should plan something for us to do when i get off work so that he isn’t bored and i need to make dinner, ugh i’m so tired from staying up late watching that movie that i didn’t want to watch.’ This is exhausting. Nice, but exhausting.
Do you know how awesome it is to wake up in the morning and be all like “I’m gonna do all these things today that I wanna do!” Like, damn, that is the greatest. I can be a lazy idiot and eat guacamole all day in my onesie. The only person that can give me shit about that is me! My cat loves it. I’m home all the time, we cuddle and I cry a whole bunch because she’s so cute, look at her little footsie, it’s so fuzzy and ow that hurts mommy, we don’t bite, bad kitty!
I have so much money now too. In the time that I’ve been single, I think I’ve been able to go shopping more in the past five months than I have, probably, ever. There is no, “babe, I need gas money.” “Babe, I didn’t eat lunch because I needed to buy cigarettes.” “I’ll buy the movie next time.”
Every time I get a package at the door for some on a whim purchase, I am a kid at christmas. I have money to go out, I get drunk on the daily and I date when I feel like getting around to it. I’ve developed a ritual where no matter what, I get fucked up on Wednesday nights. I love Wednesdays now. Great day. Please don’t call it hump day. I get home after work, lounge a bit like some kind of princess, get all cute for no one but myself and maybe that hot older dude at the bar. I drink and have a fair amount of weeknight fun. I don’t have to answer to anyone about it except my boss when I come in hungover as hell every Thursday. I hate Thursdays.
Dating has been…interesting. I can tell that I’m starting to get older because my tolerance for bullshit and wasting my time has diminished greatly. Also now, I can’t sleep in anyone else’s bed except mine. Used to be the girl that fell asleep on hardwood floors and stairs. Also used to be the girl that drank too much on the first date and left a lasting impression if you get what I mean. (You probably don’t.)
The men that I’ve gone on dates with are nice boys. They bought me a drink, asked boring questions, listened to my boring answers. We laughed at the right times. Did not kiss me goodnight. One night, I even texted one of them a sassy ‘no kiss?’ text. He asked if I wanted him to come back and properly end the date. It was 4am. I said no. See? Growing.
Of course, I do miss the regular sex. Who doesn’t enjoy that? But the thing is, regular sex can also become monotonous sex. And that is my nightmare. Being single has actually not turned me into a sexual deviant or desert wasteland. It’s been…delightfully surprising. I’ve had my…experiences.
I’m just going to put this out there, I like sucking dick.
Crazy, I know. I just, like it, sue me! And AND get this, you don’t even have to get me off every time. I mean it’d be nice, but it’s not necessary. That’s how much I enjoy it. I know. I’m a blessing. But as much as I love cocks in my mouth, I don’t want to lick em like my life depends on it all the time. I need to, like, eat and online shop and stuff sometimes. So, when I’m single it’s great because every time I diddle a dingle, it’s like I’m god’s gift to the Earth because I put my all into it! I got the time! I got the energy! I spend all my days doing me, so of course I’m going to fucking ravish you with my beautiful mouth! You’re welcome!
It can get to be a bummer sometimes. Being single definitely has it’s downsides. I like cuddling in the morning and drinking coffee together at the bookstore. I like dressing up and being taken somewhere; being showed off. I like the inside jokes and late night talks; the trust. It’s the other shitty sides to relationships that I don’t miss. And they all have them. Maybe, when I meet the right person, I’ll think about doing it again. But right now, I’m having the time of my life.